It’s natural to have concerns about the longevity of your relationship. With divorce rates as high as 60% for second marriages, it’s clear that many relationships are struggling. However, the reasons behind these failures aren’t sometimes obscure, making it even more challenging for couples to navigate their way through.
Summary
A successful marriage depends on a strong foundation of friendship, effective conflict resolution, and continuous emotional connection. Conflict is inevitable, but how couples handle and repair disagreements is important for growth. Regular communication, respect, shared decision-making, and developing fondness are key to maintaining a strong bond. Understanding each other’s dreams, solving solvable problems, and creating shared meaning in the relationship contribute to long-term fullfilment. While marriage requires effort and commitment, it can be deeply rewarding when both partners are dedicated to growing together. Seeking help when needed is essential for a healthy and enduring relationship.
Understanding Conflict In Marriage
One of the most important things we learned from studying over 200 couples for over two decades is that conflict in marriage is unavoidable. However, it’s not the presence of conflict that determines the success of a marriage but how couples handle it. Opposite to popular belief, avoiding arguments or pretending everything is perfect doesn’t contribute to a healthy relationship. The ability to argue and express concerns is vital for a strong marriage. This doesn’t mean constant fighting is the goal, but learning to address and resolve disagreements strengthens the bond between partners.
The Key To A Happy Marriage: Friendship
A strong foundation of friendship is at the core of every successful marriage. Humans are social beings, and this need for connection is no different in a marital relationship. Even couples who seem to have it all—successful careers, beautiful homes, loving families—can feel lonely if they neglect the friendship aspect of their relationship.
To maintain this friendship, it’s essential to:
- Communicate regularly: Regular communication is key to a healthy relationship. By frequently discussing your feelings, concerns, and goals, you ensure that both partners understand each other’s needs and desires, preventing misunderstandings and fostering a stronger bond.
- Schedule regular date nights: Setting aside time for just the two of you helps maintain the romance and connection in your relationship. Date nights allow you to focus on each other without the distractions of daily life, reinforcing your bond.
- Show respect and kindness: It is essential to treat your partner with the same level of respect and kindness as you would a close friend. This mutual respect fosters a positive environment where both partners feel valued and appreciated.
- Value each other’s opinions: Recognising and appreciating your partner’s viewpoints, advice, and influence strengthens the relationship. It shows that you trust and respect their judgment, which is vital for a healthy partnership.
- Invest emotionally: Continuously nurturing your emotional connection keeps your relationship strong. This involves being empathetic, supportive, and attentive to each other’s emotional needs, ensuring both partners feel loved and understood.
- Pursue common interests: Engaging in activities or working towards goals you both enjoy or care about deepens your connection. Shared interests provide opportunities for bonding and create a sense of teamwork in the relationship.
- Confide in each other: Openly sharing your thoughts, feelings, and concerns builds trust and intimacy. For couples, maintaining the romance by being emotionally vulnerable with each other strengthens the bond and keeps the relationship vibrant.
- A solid friendship within a marriage helps couples weather the storms of life: Building a strong friendship with your partner is crucial. It means you love each other and genuinely like and respect each other, which helps the relationship endure challenges and grow over time.
A solid friendship within a marriage helps couples weather the storms of life, ensuring that love and respect grow over time.
Embracing Conflict As A Tool For Growth
Many couples mistakenly believe that frequent arguments signal a doomed relationship. However, conflict is a natural part of any close relationship and can be beneficial if managed properly. The key is understanding that not all conflict is harmful. Resolving conflicts effectively can lead to a deeper understanding and a stronger connection.
Most of us don’t need to be taught how to handle conflict, which can create marriage challenges. Learning your conflict style and your partner’s can be vital early in the relationship. It’s also important to understand that repairing after a conflict is just as important as the resolution itself. Both partners must make and accept repair attempts to heal emotional wounds and move forward.
Building A Strong Emotional Connection
An essential aspect of a lasting marriage is what psychologist John Gottman refers to as “enhancing your love maps.” This means knowing your partner deeply—understanding their likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, and fears. When couples have a well-developed love map, they are more likely to maintain a strong emotional connection.
Another key element is nurturing fondness and admiration. This involves regularly reminding yourself and your partner why you value each other. Exercises like writing down the qualities you appreciate in your partner can help keep admiration alive.
Sharing Influence And Making Decisions Together
Successful marriages involve mutual respect and shared decision-making. Allowing your partner to influence your decisions is not about giving up control but valuing their input and working together as a team. This collaboration strengthens the relationship and ensures both partners feel heard and respected.
Solving Solvable Problems
Gottman categorises marital problems into two types: solvable and perpetual. Solvable problems are temporary and less emotionally intense, while perpetual problems are ongoing and often rooted in fundamental differences. Identifying which type of problem you’re dealing with is the first step in addressing it.
To resolve solvable problems, Gottman suggests a five-step approach:
- Start softly: Approach the issue without criticism or contempt.
- Make repair attempts: Use words or actions to de-escalate tension.
- Calm down: Take a break to cool off if emotions run high.
- Compromise: Work towards a solution that both partners can agree on.
- Be tolerant of each other’s faults: Accept that no one is perfect and focus on the positive aspects of your partner.
Overcoming Gridlock
Some marriage issues are deeply rooted and may seem impossible to resolve. Gottman suggests that couples move from gridlock to dialogue by identifying the underlying dreams and aspirations causing the conflict. Open, honest communication about these dreams can lead to greater understanding and shared purpose.
Creating Shared Meaning
Marriage is more than just a partnership; it’s about building a shared life together. This includes creating rituals, traditions, and a shared sense of purpose that strengthens the family unit. Couples who successfully create shared meaning are more likely to enjoy a fulfilling and enduring marriage.
The Role Of Spirituality And Growth In Marriage
While not essential, a shared faith or spiritual belief can provide a strong foundation for a marriage. It offers a sense of purpose beyond the individuals in the relationship and can guide couples through difficult times.
Finally, growth is important in any marriage. Relationships should evolve, with both partners committed to personal and mutual growth. This might involve setting new goals, adapting to changes, and deepening intimacy.
Even in the face of challenges like infidelity, growth is possible. Some couples find that overcoming such difficulties strengthens their relationship, leading to a renewed commitment and a deeper connection.
Conclusion
Marriage is not just about love and romance; it requires effort, commitment, and a willingness to grow together. Building a strong foundation of friendship, embracing conflict as a tool for growth, and continuously working on your relationship can create a lasting and fulfilling marriage.
If you’re struggling in your relationship, don’t be afraid to seek help. Addressing your concerns can lead to positive changes through counselling or talking to a trusted friend. Remember, your happiness and well-being are important, and a healthy relationship brings joy and fulfilment to both partners.
FAQs About Marriage
Why Is Marriage So Important?
Married people are both responsible for and responsible to another human being, and both halves of that dynamic lead the married to live more responsible, fruitful, and satisfying lives. Marriage is a transformative act, changing the way two people look at each other, at the future, and at their roles in society.
What Is The Most Important Part In A Marriage?
Trust. One of the most important parts of a relationship is to trust one another completely. You have to be able to trust that they won’t stray and you trust them with your feelings. You have to trust each other enough to be vulnerable on an emotional and physical level, too.
What Is The Most Important Part Of Marriage?
Honesty and trust become the foundation for everything in a successful marriage. But unlike most of the other essentials on this list, trust takes time. You can become selfless, committed, or patient in a moment, but trust always takes time.
What A Marriage Needs To Survive?
Marriages thrive on mutual trust, respect, and security, and if a partner doesn’t feel as though his or her feelings are being treated with respect, then the relationship will eventually corrode.
Can I Live Without Marriage?
And those who have not, there certainly is a little amount of peer pressure bothering them. However, what many fail to realise is that there is more to life than just changing your relationship status. It is possible to have it all without exchanging vows and there is a ‘happily ever after’ for unmarried people too.
